Love and pain

Kay C

It was a picture-perfect day; the sun hung high, casting its radiant warmth upon the world. As I strolled, the sun's golden touch illuminated the world around me. However, I was soon captivated by something far more dazzling on the opposite side of the road – a breathtakingly beautiful girl.

At that moment, I was in a quandary, unsure whether the sun or the girl across the street shone more brilliantly. Love had always been an enigma, a concept I'd never truly grasped. But as I gazed upon her, I realized I was experiencing something new. It was what the Westerners often referred to as 'love at first sight.'

I stood there, enveloped in a profound silence, my heart pounding like a drum. I had not merely encountered a girl who resembled the one I'd dreamt of; she was beyond my wildest fantasies. Her eyes, the deepest shade of blue, seemed to hold the mysteries of the universe within them. Her radiant and infectious smile was like a beacon of happiness in a world of shadows. Her lips, inviting and perfectly curved, left me breathless. Her body, an embodiment of grace and allure, was a masterpiece of nature's design. It was as if every element of her existence had been meticulously crafted to steal my heart.

I couldn't believe how foolish I had been. There I was, entirely captivated by her, my heart racing with the desire to approach and strike up a conversation, yet I remained frozen by my shyness. At that moment, the regret was palpable as I watched her from afar. I longed to know her name, to hear her voice, and to unravel the mystery that was the girl who had left such an indelible mark on my heart.

As I turned away and walked down the street, leaving her behind, I couldn't help but feel a profound sense of missed opportunity. My footsteps were heavy with the weight of my timidity. It was as if I had let the chance of a lifetime slip through my fingers, all because I lacked the courage to act.

I immersed myself in the most enchanting dreams as I lay in bed that night. It was as though the day's encounter had left an indelible imprint on my subconscious. In my dreams, I was once again bathed in the sun's warm glow, and she was there, just as radiant and captivating as in reality. The line between the waking world and the realm of dreams blurred, and I felt as if I were still living in the beautiful day that had unfolded earlier.

But in those dreams, I was not bound by the constraints of shyness and hesitation. I could approach her freely and speak with her openly, and in the magical world of dreams, our connection was effortless and profound. As I woke the following day, I couldn't help but long for that same sense of confidence and connection in the real world. It was a day that had started with a beautiful encounter and ended with the bittersweet taste of a missed opportunity, leaving me yearning for a chance to rewrite the script of my destiny.

My infatuation with this captivating girl only deepened as the weeks turned into months. I tried to rationalize my feelings, telling myself it was just a passing crush; I did my research, which confirmed a crush would only last 4months, a consequence of the tumultuous journey through high school and puberty. I thought that, eventually, these intense emotions would fade away, leaving me with nothing but distant memories. But each day, I found myself standing outside her gate, waiting for a glimpse of her, unable to tear myself away.

In my heart, I knew something was amiss. My obsession was growing, and it was becoming painfully clear that this was more than just a fleeting crush. It was like an invisible force had taken hold of my thoughts, and I couldn't escape its relentless grip. 

Months passed, yet I remained paralyzed by my insecurities and fear of rejection. I was a bright and intelligent young man, but my self-doubt overshadowed my confidence. Desperation for love and the longing for happiness intertwined into a tangled web within my soul.

One fateful day, driven by determination and anxiety, I finally mustered the courage to approach her. My heart raced, and my palms grew sweaty as I walked toward her. The weight of my friends' stares, eager for a misstep or rejection, bore down on me. I could feel their silent anticipation, waiting for fodder to tease and laugh about.

Little did I know that this step, this seemingly innocent offer to be her teacher, would be the catalyst for one of the most significant mistakes of my life. Fueled by desperation, my pursuit of love and happiness was about to take a dark and unexpected turn, leading me down a path I could never have imagined. The emotions that once filled me with hope were now on the brink of transforming into a torment I was ill-prepared to endure. I got my first rejection.

I am just 18; no, it is not lust, but can I be in love at just 18? Does love exist? What am I experiencing? Obsession? No, it can't be. I don't even know this girl. 

I was trapped in silence for an entire year, unable to muster the courage to speak to her, even though I knew her name. She was the constant presence in my thoughts, the only person I confided in with my closest friends. She was the one I longed to be with, the beacon of light that seemed to mend the fractures within my soul. Despite my overwhelming desire to connect, I expressed my feelings through enigmatic gestures: sending mystery boxes, heartfelt notes, and delicate flowers through her friends and mine. These gestures remained anonymous, a testament to my fear of facing rejection, a fear that held me captive.

Being the shy guy I was, I struggled to develop a more direct approach to getting her number. So, I turned to my friends for assistance, seeking their advice. Their suggestion was simple yet clever: tap into my intelligence and offer online classes to students from her class. This way, I could collect the emails of everyone in their class, including hers, all in one stroke. It sounded like a solid plan, so I went ahead with it. As we gathered the contact information from the students, I noticed that everyone else readily provided their details except for her. It left us with no choice but to discard the list. However, there was a silver lining – we managed to retain the contact information of one of her friends. I mustered the courage to send her a text, though waiting for her response felt like an eternity, and my patience wore thin. Eventually, she did respond, and I found myself pleading with her until she finally relented.

After sending her a message, I anxiously awaited her response. Days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into months. It took me an excruciatingly long eight months to finally receive a reply. Then, one fateful day, while I was in a crucial math class, my phone buzzed with a notification. I glanced at the screen and saw a word: "Hello." My jaw dropped in disbelief, and from that moment on, I was utterly distracted. My heart was filled with happiness, and that "Hello" made the rest of the day like a dream come true.

That night, when I got home, we started chatting, and the conversation flowed smoothly. However, I hadn't yet revealed to her that I was the one behind those anonymous gifts. As our relationship began to grow stronger, I mustered up the courage to broach the topic and asked her how she felt about receiving mystery gifts. Her response was a blow to my already fragile self-confidence. She expressed that these gestures were, in fact, a major turn-off for her. She went on to explain that someone had been sending her such gifts and every time she received them, she felt offended. She questioned how someone could be so shy as to not bring them in person, and her words weighed heavily on me, further diminishing my self-esteem.

My friends, seeing the pride and toxicity that surrounded my interactions with this girl, urged me to let her go and move on. It was hard for them to grasp the extent of my feelings for her, like the time I bought her a book I couldn't even afford for myself back in high school. Reluctantly, I allowed my friends to push me into a "situationship" with another girl. I couldn't help but feel a deep sense of pity for this new girl who had genuine feelings for me. She cared for me, showered me with love, brought me food when I was hungry, stood by my side during my lowest moments, and even gave me thoughtful gifts on my birthdays - a gesture no one had ever made before. Despite her being the kind of girl any guy would be lucky to have, my heart remained unresponsive to her. I didn't want her to waste her time on someone like me when I couldn't reciprocate her feelings, so, with a heavy heart, I ended up telling her the truth - that I loved someone else and didn't want her to invest any more of her precious time in someone who couldn't return her affection, and that was the most difficult thing I ever had to do, I could see the pain in her eyes. 

Over time, I found myself closing off my heart to love, shutting out the possibility of connecting with any other girl. Love had transformed into a source of pain and heartache for me. While I yearned to move forward in life, I was haunted by the fear of falling so deeply for someone again. I became the embodiment of the phrase "I am scared to fall in love," as I grappled with the emotional scars and uncertainty that came with opening myself up to such vulnerability once more.

Her friends kept reminding me that she could never be with someone like me, I was not her type, I was not her class and she would never settle for someone like me. I heard even more painful words from her. Well, I choose to ignore them, because I was in “love”.

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