A heartfelt confession of a wavering heart

Respecting the enemy

Pauline

Fear, i always had respect for that word ,fear to say things out loud ,fear to write things down ,fear for the future,fear that my past will creep up to me,lots of fears.....I watched a lot movies where the hero helps the person in need bravely and then his good deeds catch up to him or the hero protects and puts his life forward for the sake of some strangers and I always think to myself " ah ,how do they do that" and I think to myself am I the only one that thinks like this..... I hate it.Why ? I want change but that word catch up to me ..'fear'..in the exam hall I see my peers sharing answers with no care in the world , then they come out of the hall , all smiles and giggles and some say to there friend" hey thanks man I will never forget what you did for me"...I want to be that friend.... but alas I fear.....ah something tells me they are gonna catch you,your gonna end up useless when they suspend you.....but something deep inside makes me feel I might never make it if I don't get rid of my fears,slowly it mutates....it brings it's friends along....selfishness, anxiety, depression,lack of trust, jealousy,hatred,it cripples me till am all alone....I tell myself am better of alone,I use my friends as example of why i am better of alone, but how is it possible am still heartbroken..fear...big respect for that word,at least to fight the enemy you need to respect the enemy......

Have fun they said, you live once they said....I guessed I never understood that statement.....I always looked at them with disdain,they don't know what they are doing with themselves but in the deepest part of my wavering heart I was jealous of them, my fears kept on morphing.....my catch phrase....it's better safe than sorry....I guess I understood that statement well...to well...it was a justification for my little fears, yes I got to be wise but is cowardice,wisdom?. It's good to know when to retreat but it's also good to know when to charge I guess I forgot the other part, I don't want it anymore, what do I do? I ask my myself and once again am scared to ask anybody..... I needed to fight the enemy

One positive thing I can say about it though , it isn't biased it affects everyone the rich, the poor even the brave......I guess it takes one to eliminate fear to be brave and courageous as I write this confession of my wavering heart I fear, I fear people won't approve, I fear a close peer will see this and use against me , a lot of things are running through my mind as I write this confession while rain is falling, my favorite weather but still I fear to get hurt in the rain it stings a lot more ,smiles.but I guess that what makes us humans that what makes us complete, I don't think any human is born without fear or pain .....isn't that why babies cry when they are born,it has its own beauty...the moment when your crush is passing by and your hearts start to beat fast ,you begin to hope your wearing that your outfit that looks great ........that feeling isn't it exhilarating though you feel fear, in the midst of it all you still feel hope .. smiles.....I guess fear can also morph into something good...maybe it isn't as bad as I thought is it?

It doesn't leave you empty handed I guess, it gives us a choice...like the red pill,blue pill. I guess it depends on you to pick you can either run from it or learn from it ......I guess I can be the hero in those movies....well in my own way.... little by little...one step at a time......maybe I will start by accepting my friends, small talks, write my feelings down or greeting that old man that is always stays in the corner of my street.....baby steps...you never know how things might turn out.... making big impacts by little things.......I guess the enemy isn't that bad? I think I can do this journey maybe I will be able to dance in the rain like I did when I was a child without fear of getting injured or sick....I always wondered why I never got sick when I was a child that loved to play under the rain.....I guess I never thought of getting sick rather I looked forward to when next rain was going to fall

I used to tell myself am not good at public speaking or interaction as a whole but then I remember when I was younger I never had these fears when did they start?, maybe as I grew older I began to see the world from a tinted lens , my failures began to weigh me down , I searched for the things I did right but I couldn't find them all I saw was my failures, the laughter , the side comments people would make, the things my so called friends said when I wasn't around I began to break little by little, I began to dim my light since it was too bright and no wanted to come near, I wanted to be among them, to be around them, I changed myself for them, why?......my fears started to grow little by little now I have to break it back little by little......and they are no longer there to help or did they ever help before......but I don't blame them, I blame me........I let them get into my head , I let them mold me , I no longer was me I was who they wanted me to be and that, that broke me ,now am trying to find who I am trying to leave the space I was put in .....I guess I don't have the right to harbor the hate.........I still encounter them sometimes and my heart begins to race I find myself doing things I said I wouldn't do again......I don't want it anymore,I want to be the hero in this story of mine I want to open up my heart and look at the ones that hurt me and tell them what I feel not to listen to depressing music and telling everyone am ok while am not....I want to be a child again........I don't want to live with regrets I don't want to keep on choosing the easy path while it's breaking me apart I don't want to be thoroughly damaged before I can see that everything around me is gone , if am to cut loose then so be it, besides it's not like they stay by my side forever I guess thats one thing about life it gives you lots of opportunities.maybe am in a phase of life where I have to discover myself before I loose myself

I lost more than I gained they were many things I feared ,fear of the unknown, fear of reptiles,fear of failure,fear to be left alone,fear to be heartbroken I guess that's the thing with fear the more you run from it , the more you live in it without realizing, all you think about is the fear that you don't realize there so much out there ,soon enough your in another world in the same space living a life you feared without realizing and slowly it eats you up, it eats your friends up, it eats the people around you then you begin to think,ah am alone......no you aren't......I guess that's the problem the more you let it get to you the more you live in it, it is good to be afraid it gives hope and it gives strength....well,to some .....but if you decide to let it hold you hostage it can be terrible you find yourself fearing to fail more than actually trying to succeed, then you fail and you find yourself trying to guard your heart against heartbreak that you fail to realize your heartbroken without a single touch....I guess that why there is a saying "

wake up to reality nothing ever goes as planned in this accursed world

", you just have to keep trying until you break free,yes the struggle is real but it's a step by step process .......one step at a time

You choose your path ,you make the decision.......... I guess that why all humans have a wavering heart

Someone once told me do what you wanna do while your young no matter how stupid....do it and regret later but be wise about it.....because the greatest currency is time it's a great treasure even a poor man is opportuned with .....and it's foolish to live with it in fear......﻿﻿﻿﻿

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