Baskadia

Most of the time, I choose not to speak about what I am going through in life because I feel like nothing will ever change with what I feel. I don't try to reach out to anyone, even on the days where I feel like I am about to give up on myself. I know that there are some people out there who want to help me, but I don't really want to be a burden to anyone. I don't like people seeing me as vulnerable or devastated. I just disappear when I am not okay and isolate myself until I feel better. I tend to cry silently behind closed doors, and I do not want to talk to anyone when I'm sad. I heal myself alone. I comfort myself in the darkness, and I handle myself at my worst. I do not depend on anyone for my healing, but I still appreciate the ones who keep reminding me that they will always be there when I need them.

I keep disappearing, even on days where I know that some people also need me. I do not show up most of the time, partly because there are some moments where I feel like I am too tired of everything and cannot stand to face the world. And that is why I appreciate those who still try to understand and respect me when I close my windows and doors to everyone. I appreciate the ones who understand that I only need some time alone to feel better soon, but they are still outside my door waiting for me to show up when I'm ready to fight again.

Some feelings are just so hard to express. Some things are better left unsaid. I don't really think that someone will fully understand how much I suffer sometimes, because there is some kind of pain that no words can describe. So I just choose to take a step back, close the door in my room, and deal with all the terrible things in my head because I feel like that's the safer place I can hide when I'm not okay.