Baskadia

THE LAST SONG FOR MY DAUGHTER 1

KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK... I knocked on the door before asking permission to enter in her room.

“A Moment Mom!” She answered joyfully and I heard her footsteps. “Come in!” She giggled.

Wearing my strained smile, I opened the door and saw her hiding something under her Doraemon printed pillow. “What are you doing Sweetie?” I asked her when I was already sitting on her bed.

“Nothing Mom, I’m just playing with Dolly.” She was talking about her Barbie doll. “Ohhs?” I looked at her suspiciously, I was quite sure that she had hidden something under her pillow but I kept it aside so as to talk to her about our plan for that day.

I stood up and went to her closet to find her a dress suitable for her medical consultation. “Are you ready Baby?” I asked her while preparing her dress.

“Yes Mom! But can you stop calling me Baby or Sweetie; I’m a big girl now.” She said annoyingly.

I laughed while looking at her exasperated face. “And why is it that my daughter doesn’t want to be called Baby? Is there something wrong?” Her face became more irritated.

“Okay! Okay! I’ll never call you Baby anymore so stop sulking.” She grunted and returned to her normal mood. “Smile Rain…” She smirked and showed the dent on her teeth, I also smiled.

Wearing her royal blue printed colored dress; she looked at herself in the mirror and turned around. “I like it Mom!” She said buoyantly.

“You look very pretty Baby!” I said while I too looked at her in the mirror.

“Of course Mom, I am beautiful because I resemble you a lot!” She didn’t notice me calling her Baby! “But Mom?” She stopped for a moment and looked at herself intently, and then suddenly her cheerful face was replaced by sadness.

“Am I still pretty even though there is not a single hair on my head Mom?” I was just stunned by her unexpected question.

“U-uhm…” She gazed at me earnestly, while I, on my part, struggled to compose a single sentence to answer her question. “Ohhh! Of course you’re still beautiful. You are always beautiful Baby.” She gave me a big smile.

“Really Mom?” I nodded and sighed heavily.

THE LAST SONG FOR MY DAUGHTER 2

“Mom?” I looked at her and waited for what she would ask next. “Can we go to the amusement park?”

I stopped for a moment after hearing her request as I remembered my last conversation with Doctor Hidalgo. All of a sudden I found myself in the doctor’s clinic when he pronounced the verdict: “Pam, I’m so sorry to tell you this. Rain’s body didn’t respond to any medication we applied to her.” My world stopped after hearing the most adverse news in my whole life. My body weakened in shock at what I had just heard.

“D-doc, please don’t say that, there may be another way for her to be healed. P-please do everything to make her better.” Tears flowed down like a river from my eyes while begging Doctor Hidalgo to cure my Rain.

“I’m so sorry Pam, we did everything we could but her body can no longer cope at all, she is just five years old, Pam.” I got even more depressed hearing him talking. I couldn’t accept it. Never.

“We will still monitor Rain from time to time in case there’s any alteration in her condition, but for now the only thing you can do is to be prepared for anything that might happen.” I was under deep shock while trying to understand what I did not want to hear.

“Be strong Pam, her days may be numbered but still it is not the end. Spend these days as close to her as possible, make her days worth remembering and don’t forget to pray for strength. Life is in God’s hands. He will carry you both through the storm and give you the strength to make it. Don’t get drowned by negative thoughts as these would affect Rain as well. We can’t change reality but it’s up to us to decide how to face it. Spend your days creating lovable memories and give the best of yourself.” He was trying to console me and direct me but all the more Doctor Hidalgo’s words were like daggers that stabbed my heart repeatedly.

“Doc please, m-my Rain, my poor Rain…H-help her doc, please.”

“I’m sorry Pam,” he repeated as if those alone were the final words. He tapped my shoulder and went to attend to other patients.

I left the doctor and went on the bench outside the hospital. My knees were shaking and I could not keep myself on my feet. Nobody could understand the pain I carried in my heart at that time. I had cried so much in front of Doctor Hidalgo that my eyes were all red.

After reliving this scene I returned to my senses.

“Mom?” Rain’s voice woke me up.

“Y-yes Baby?” I beamed at her. I didn’t notice I spaced out for quite a while.

“Why are you crying?” I touched my cheeks and realized that tears ran down my face.

“I’m not crying Rain. It’s just the dust from your closet.” I said while wiping and trying to hide the tears in my eyes. She still stared at me, so I quickly changed the topic. “What’s your question again Baby?”

THE LAST SONG FOR MY DAUGHTER 3

“Can we go to the amusement park?”

“Amusement park? Do you want to go to amusement park?” She gazed at me waiting for my positive answer. “Uhm, okay! We will go to the park?” I said the last words gleefully. Her face then brightened up as she showed her wide heavenly smile.

She gave me a big bear hug to assure herself of my answer. I nodded and she jumped for joy around the room.

“Of course Baby, I’ll do anything for you. So when shall we go?” I asked while looking again at the closet to find her beanies. When I realized she hadn’t answered my question, I turned to her and saw her doing puppy eyes. “What about that face, Rain?”

“Mom, can we go there today? We’ll still have lots of time after the consultation, right?” I thought for a moment and answered her question, “Okay, okay, we will go there after the consultation. Choose the beanie you’ll wear today so that we can leave early.”

“Yehey! Thank you Mom. Uhm, that blue beanie Mom, I want to wear that.” I put the blue beanie to her head and kissed her cheek.

“Anything for you, my little Rain.” She was happy, now she didn’t mind what I called her. “Wait for me outside, I’m just going to clear up your room.”

“Okay Mom! I love you.” She hugged me again and ran outside.

“I love you too, Rain.” I replied in a soft voice. My tears began to roll down again. I grabbed the Doraemon printed pillow and put it aside. I found the thing hidden in it, the thing Rain had hidden earlier. It was a small calendar with dates checked off starting from December 15. It was the day when Doctor Hidalgo told me about Rain’s out of hand condition.

After what seemed hours of examinations by Doctor Hidalgo we went straight away to the amusement park. Rain was very lively. Her face shone with joy as if she didn’t suffer a severe illness. She looked like a normal happy kid; the only difference was that she was wearing a beanie on her head.

For three hours, we rode light rides, played at the arcades and ate her favorite foods available at the nearby restaurant. I got tired walking to and fro following her lively young feet, she was assiduously full of energy. Her cheerfulness never ceased for a moment greeting and smiling at everyone.

Finally, we sat on the bench in front of the cotton candy stall. “Are you tired, Baby?” I asked her after a moment of silence while we were watching people strolling by.

“Are you happy Mom?” instead of answering my question she asked me another one. She fixed her look at my eyes as if she was reading what I really felt.

Dumbfounded by her question, I scuffled to say something. “W-why are you asking me that, Sweetie? I should be the one asking you.” She pouted and said, “So you’re not happy at all?” She said it in a whispered way in a disappointed tone.

THE LAST SONG FOR MY DAUGHTER 4

“No! No! No! It’s not that, of course I’m happy Baby. I am very happy because you’re here, you’re with me. You know that you are my happiness, right?” Tears began to gather in my eyes but I managed to control them. I didn’t want her to see me hurt and weak. I wanted to give her assurance that everything was fine. Her face lightened up.

“Really Mom? I’m so happy for you, then.”

“Why did you ask me that anyway?” Her face became sad.

“I asked you to come here Mom not because I really wanted it but because I want to see your sweet smile again. I want to hear your laugh and not drowning in sorrow because of me. Mom, I want you to be happy.” Now I couldn’t stop tears flowing spontaneously down my cheeks. “Mom, can you be h-happy for me?” She struggled to say the word because now she was crying too.

I hugged my little Rain very tightly as we shed tears in this place filled with people carrying different stories. “Baby, Mom’s happy with you, okay? I-Im just scared Baby, I’m just scared of losing you, and I’m scared you’re going to leave me. Baby, please don’t leave me, please Baby, Mom can’t live without you, pleease!” I wept more while hugging Rain firmly. I noticed some people were looking at us wondering what was going on, but who cares!

That was the first time she confronted me about my feeling, the first time she talked to me with an open heart. My five year old Rain knew everything what would happen soon.

“Mom, I won’t leave you, okay. I will always be by your side. I will stay with you forever, so please don’t be sad Mom. Whenever I hear you crying in your room, I hated myself for making you feel that way, so sad whenever you force yourself to smile at me. Mom, don’t cry anymore because of me. You are also my happiness. If you are sad, I am also sad.” I stopped and looked at her.

“Baby, don’t say that, don’t hate yourself. From now on, Mom will be happy because I have the most beautiful and kindest daughter of the whole universe. I have you Rain, so there is no need for me to pretend to be happy because I am with you who make me happy. I love you so much, Baby.” I kissed her forehead.

“I love you too Mom.” She answered while wiping her tears away. I helped her. “Mom?” I looked at her and waited for what she would say. “Can I eat cotton candy?” I stopped for a moment before purling a chuckle, she chuckled too and it lightened up our mood.

“Sure Baby, wait here for a second, okay?” She nodded.

I left her on the bench and went to the stall to buy what she wanted. The blue colored cotton candies were sold out, so I waited to tell to the salesman to make a new one. I had fun while looking at the colorful cotton candies. After I paid the cotton candy I returned to where I left Rain but she was no longer there. Where had she gone?

My hands trembled in shock as I couldn’t see her anywhere. I searched for her all over the place but couldn’t see her. I was on the verge of crying when I saw a commotion in front of the claw machine.

THE LAST SONG FOR MY DAUGHTER 5

“Hey kid! Why didn’t you answer me?” I heard a woman scolding a child. I looked at the little one and saw her wearing a blue dress and beanie. It was my Rain. She didn’t cry but she looked at the woman with astonishment. All the thorns in my heart were gone off when I saw her but I was irritated at the woman who dared shout at my daughter. “Why did you act like that? What kind of mother do you have? You haven’t even been taught to respect others.” Without further ado I approached Rain and took her away from the woman.

“What did you do to my daughter? Why did you harass her?” I asked the woman.

“So, you’re the mother of that disrespectful child”, she said mockingly. I looked at her child and saw him crying. “My son was just asking her to borrow her stuffed toy but she refused it, when I was the one asking her she still refused and didn’t say anything. What an ill-mannered brat! What kind of parent are you to make her act like that?” She said it as if she’s the most perfect mother in the whole world.

“Stop it! Enough!” I shouted at her. People approached us as if witnessing an interesting show. “Stop calling my child disrespectful. Stop calling her names. You know nothing about her. You do not know what she is going through.” I burst into tears of rage. The woman was stunned.

“Mom, stop please! Let’s get out of here.” I just heard Rain begging me to stop getting into trouble.

“You asked me what I taught her, right. Well, I told her not to heed rude people like you!” Then I grabbed Rain’s hand and we left that place.

Rain remained silent all the way home. And when we got home, I went to her room to explain matters and help her feel better.

“Baby?”

“Mom? Are you angry?” She asked me before I said a single word. “I should have just given the stuffed toy to the boy so that his mother would not be angry with me.”

“No, Baby! You did nothing wrong. Don’t think about what she said earlier, okay? I assured her.

“Okay Mom!”

“Anyway, where did you get that stuffed toy?” I asked her with astonishment.

“Uncle Handsome gave it to me. He played there on the claw machine. Is it pretty Mom?”

“Yeah, but who is Uncle Handsome?”

“I don’t really know him Mom. I just called him Uncle Handsome because he is handsome like daddy,” she said gleefully.

“O-okay…” I struggled a bit. How can you understand the innocence of a child?

THE LAST SONG FOR MY DAUGHTER 6

“You have to sleep now Baby, it’s already late. Uhm… Before I forget, tomorrow Tita Hanna will accompany you for your examination, okay? Mom has some urgent errands.” She nodded. I kissed her forehead and turned off the light.

Hanna came early in the morning. While Rain was still asleep, we chatted a bit in the kitchen over a cup of tea. Hanna is my best friend, we were classmates since elementary until high school. She is my best friend who is always there to help me.

“Won’t you take Rain with you to visit his father’s grave?” This was her first question as soon as we sat down. She talked about my husband Kendrick who had passed away two years ago due to car accident. The incident made me to hate Christmas and the whole month of December. Rain was only three years old back then. It was the most intricate event that had happened to me. It was on December 23rd.

“It’s better if I’ll just leave Rain with you, Hanna. It’s a long ride before I get there and…” I paused before I could continue. “Rain’s condition is getting worse every day. It would be even worse for her if I take her with me.” She nodded as a sign of agreeing with me. In her eyes I read her understanding. I know she also suffered because of us.

“Are you okay?” She asked me all of the sudden. At first, I was still confused of what she really meant. Tears welled up in my eyes before saying a word.

“I’m scared Hanna. I-I am afraid she’ll leave me soon without saying a single word, without saying goodbye to me. Hanna I’m scared.” I said it while weeping in pain. She stood up and approached me for a warm embrace.

“Shhhh! Rain loves you so much Pam, that’s what you should remember. Don’t think like that, everything will be alright. Be strong Pam, be strong for her. It is enough for her seeing that you are okay. Stop crying, she’ll wake up anytime now. She will get even weaker when she sees you like that. Don’t let this overwhelm you, instead make it a reason to make you stronger.

“I’m scared Hanna, I’m scared!”

“I know! I know Pam! I know it’s hard but you have to face it.” Hanna felt the pain I suffered at that time.

“Hack! Hack! Hack!” After a moment of silence we heard someone coughing inside the house. We looked at each other to listen from where the sound came. It was from Rain’s room.

My chest throbbed with panic as I ran to my daughter. Tears welled up in my eyes immediately. I opened the door and rushed to Rain who was coughing and vomiting blood.

“R-rain Baby? Rain!” I screamed in great fear.

“Good morning Mom! Good morning Tita Hanna!” She was still able to greet us despite what she was going through.

“Oh my God! Help us! Hanna, Rain is very weak. What do I do now?”

THE LAST SONG FOR MY DAUGHTER 7

“I-I will call an ambulance Pam. W-wait!” Hanna was also panicking but she still managed to call an ambulance.

Hanna accompanied me the whole time in front of Intensive Care Unit waiting for someone to come out for some news. She kept on hugging me while I just cried.

“Everything is going to be fine. Everything is going to be fine. Everything is going to be fine...” She repeated over and over again to console me.

After almost three hours of waiting in front of ICU, Doctor Hidalgo came out and his face was full of sorrow. He approached me.

“She’s stable now Pam but her body is very weak. I am afraid she can’t take it anymore. I’m so sorry Pam.” As I listened to Doctor Hidalgo’s words, my heart was aching like hell. “All you can do now is to stay with her. Your presence is the best medicine. She needs you.”

It was already seven in the evening but Rain was still unconscious. Hanna went out for a while to buy us some food. I just stared at the face of my beloved daughter. While holding her hand and tracing the bruises on her arm due to her illness, I remembered vividly one of our conversations before it happened.

I saw her standing at the end of the hallway in our house, looking keenly at the big frame of two flying angels. Actually, they’re not really angels; it’s the picture of Daedalus and Icarus from the story itself. The man Daedalus created wings made up of wax to escape from the wrath of the cruel king. Although they are not angels yet Rain looked at them as angels. I approached her but she seemed really hooked by that picture because she ignored me even as I was at her back.

“Mom?” She spoke to me without looking at me.

Even though I was full of wonder at her actions, I still answered her. “What is it, Baby?”

“Am I going to be an angel like them if I go to heaven?” I was surprised by her question.

“Baby, w-what are you talking about? W-why are you asking me that?

“Just answer me, Mom!”

“O-of course Baby. Good children like you will become angels.” I struggled but I answered her.

“I’m relieved then.” I felt drowning in sorrow when she said that.

“Mom?” I came back to my senses on hearing Rain’s soft and weak voice. “Don’t cry, Mom.”

“Sorry Baby, I-I just can’t help it.”

“I’m sorry Mom for making you feel that way.”

THE LAST SONG FOR MY DAUGHTER 8

“No baby, don’t say that. J-just rest, okay? Mom’s fine.” I saw in her eyes the excruciating pain she was feeling but she tried to hide it. I knew she must have been very tired. I knew that anytime she would leave me.

“Mom, I’m tired! Can I sleep now? Hack! Hack! Hack...” She asked me while coughing with blood. I knew she was talking about leaving me and asking my permission. I cried again and nodded.

“Mom, don’t cry. I’m not going to leave you. I’m just going to sleep to become stronger. I am always by your side. Always! So stop crying!” I nodded again while shedding tears and stroking her hands.

“Mom?” I looked at her again and waited for what she wanted to say. “Can you sing a song before I go to sleep?” I knew she just said it to make me stop crying.

“Okay Baby, what song do you want Mom to sing?”

“My favorite.”

“Okay baby.” I said it with a smile and started to sing her favorite song while holding her little hand.

Dancing Bears

Painted Wings

Things I almost remember.

And a song someone sings

once upon a December.

She closed her eyes as she listened to me sing. I put her palm on my cheek and continued singing.

Someone holds me safe and warm.

Horses prance through a silver storm.

Figures dancing gracefully across my memory.

I could not stop my tears again as if there was no end. She smiled while she closed her eyes firmly. I saw the serenity on her face as though she saw paradise.

Far away,

Long ago,

Glowing dim as an ember,

Things my heart

Used to know

Things it yearns to remember

And a song someone sings

Once upon a December

As the song ended it started to rain. The cold breeze of December entering from the half opened little window embraced my whole body as if implicating with my sorrow. At that night of December 23, my little Rain let go of my hands. On a rainy night of December, my little Rain, wearing a smile on her

THE LAST SONG FOR MY DAUGHTER 9

face as if so contented to her life, left me. My little Rain died the same day as her father died. On a cold rainy night, I was hugging my daughter while sobbing, felt the most piercing pain in my heart. On the day that caused me to hate the month of December my daughter joined her father.

Seven years have passed. As every other year I went to put flowers and candles at their tomb, I cleaned up all the small branches and dry leaves. When there was no single leaf around I sat on the grass and looked to the graves of my two beloved ones

KENDRICK M. SALVADOR

Born On: June 15, 1980

Died On: December 23, 2011

RAIN SAMANTHA D. SALVADOR

Born On: October 01, 2008

Died On: December 23, 2013

For two full years I had lived drowned in a sea of sorrow and hopelessness, days filled with struggle to forget by killing myself with overwork and nights wide awake mourning and weeping. There were dark periods when I desired taking away my own life because of the black loneliness, but in my every attempt a voice resounded in my heart and ears: “Mom, why are you crying?” “Mom please be happy for me, okay?” These experiences gradually built me up again.

Watching and talking at the grave of my daughter and husband I now recovered and I am showing her that her mother fulfilled her request to live happily. I am telling her that I won the battle, the battle of conquering fears and griefs. I’m happy now because my daughter, my little angel is no longer suffering and she is still in my heart as she is near her Daddy.

“Mommy!” I looked at my back and I saw my daughter Snow running towards me wearing a wide smile.

“Baby, don’t run you might stumble.” I told her as she approached me for a hug.

“Sorry Honey, she really escaped as she wanted to come near you.” Vincent said as he walked towards me and lifted up our daughter. “Snow”, he continued, “I told you that Mommy needs some time alone.”

“But Daddy Handsome, I want Mommy!” Snow replied.

“It’s okay, Honey! I’m done anyway. Come here Snow.” The three of us sat huddled together.

“Mommy?” I looked to my beautiful daughter, never expecting what she then came up with. “Can you sing my sister’s favorite song?” I simply gazed at her for a moment before nodded.

“Of course, Baby. Is it also your favorite?” I asked

“Yes! Mommy, my sister’s favorite is also my favorite because Mommy is so happy when she sings it to me.”

THE LAST SONG FOR MY DAUGHTER 10

“Ohhs!” I smile at her before I could gather my energy to sing for my two daughters.”

In front of my loved ones I sang the song that’s living in my heart, the song that somehow lightened up the dark days in my life, the favorite song of my little Rain. I never tire of singing the last song for my daughter to my daughter!

THE END

Featured Song: “Once Upon a December” By: David Newman