Baskadia

Okay imma let it all out in my notes coz I ain’t got nobody with whom I can really share mostly coz I don’t like sharing and I trust nobody.

So this girl, a sweet little girl who I really like and who I would gladly give the whole world for because I know, if ain’t lying to myself, that I love her. Yes I know I’ve said love. And I think it’s true.

But sadly, I dunno if she loves me or even likes me or if she just talks to me as a responsibility. Of course she made it perfectly clear that she doesn’t love me how I love her but I even doubt if she loves me the way she claims to, or I’m just an obligation to her.

Of course I know that a girl beautiful like that has many boys behind her and chances are that I’m just in a line. Chances are that she got one boy who she really likes (it pains me so much to admit) and hence the obligation part.

It’s 01:44 O’clock in the morning and I can’t sleep, I went to bed at exactly 00:30 O’clock, the thoughts have really disturbed me so much so I decided to do what I do best, open up to my notes app.

So I don’t like this girl because she is pretty or something or that she has nyash or something like that, no! I mean this girl has a very beautiful personality, a beautiful heart, a beautiful mind and a beautiful smile that I’d like to see all day everyday.

I mean her heart’s so beautiful that even though I might be an obligation to her she doesn’t make me feel so and a mind so sharp that she knows human emotions and how to trigger them in the right way, so much that she duped a natural psychologist like me.

Physical beauty, yeah she got that but I’m not much into that coz many girls are beautiful but not every girl is smart like her. So about that, I have to remind her everyday about her physical beauty so that at least I can be the same level as other boys coz I know that’s all they tell her. So I have to, everyday. But inasmuch as I complement about her physical beauty I throw in a line or two about personality so as to look a little bit superior.

So, that’s her, that’s who my heart cries for everyday but recently I came to a decision. Inasmuch as I don’t know whether she really loves me as she claims, I have to come clean about my feelings, my true feelings.

My story is  divided into a series of six mistakes, welcome to my life.

First Mistake

So in 2022 when I started making advances to her, I had the innocent good vibes that I have when I look for a girlfriend, and if she was honest, I think I kinda killed it.

I gave good vibes like a classy guy with the occasional pickup line and I think that she really loved it.

Of course part of it was because of despair and part of it was because she was really pretty and had nice curves.

I remember the first sign I gave her was that I had started ‘simping’

So yeah that’s the first mistake, being a normal boy.

Second Mistake

So in the phase of trying to woo her, I started falling in too deep. I didn’t like it but I couldn’t control myself. 

I know it sounds like memes but I would really smile while texting her and I would wake up and text her first.

I started looking forward to her texts and when she sent voice notes I would really get excited and listen to her voice many times.

Then the video calls started and that’s how I really fell too deep. They didn’t last long but I knew she cared about me.

So yeah that’s the second mistake, I fumbled!

Third Mistake

So when I started liking her for who she really was, I wanted to know her really more.

I started asking for her likes and dislikes and I strives to find out everything I could about her, her favorite songs, musicians etc.

So if she wasn’t lying, I got to know her really well and I doubt if there’s any boy who knew her as much as I knew her.

 I even stopped making advances and tried as much as I could to find out anything I could from her. 

I’ve always been an avid reader and she was like an open book, to me, so I absorbed as much info as I could.

So that was my third mistake, knowing her!

Fourth Mistake

So in the process of knowing her, she was really in my mind so my classmates knew about her.

So they really wanted to see who this girl was so they asked for her Instagram, but I denied. I did not give them because I just wanted her to be mine so I was really protective.

But during one holiday, Mathias, a lil bitch, went through my followers and followings until he eventually got her account.

To make matters worse, he texted her, why? I don’t know. 

That issue made me too angry, I argued with Mathias and I hated him just because of that issue. I never felt something go deep into my heart like that.

Like fuck, I didn’t tell you her Instagram because I admire privacy, was it too hard to notice that?

And that’s was my fourth mistake, jealousy!

Fifth Mistake

So I decided that these feelings were too much for me to keep to myself so I decided that I’ll tell her.

And yes, I did tell her. And it did not go well. Suddenly she didn’t feel the same way I felt. That really broke me as a man. I might smile, use laughing emojis everywhere but that shit really broke me.

But my feelings don’t matter, telling her my feelings out her in some kind of pressure. Somehow our inner fire died, no, our inner fire dimmed.

Suddenly the texts became shorter and we don’t really talk serious shit like before we just talk for the sake of talking. No real conversation.

And I regret it not because of me but because I messed up with her.

And that was my fifth mistake, confession!

Sixth Mistake

The sixth mistake is really a future mistake I’m willing to make tomorrow, or rather today 15th January 2023.

I plan to tell her about everything I’ve written here and be brutally honest with her.

Though I know that this is too much to take in I don’t want her to hurt and so I’m giving her the choice with no hurt feelings to make the next step. 

I mean, if you love her let her go, I’m giving her the choice and if she’s comfortable with it, I want her to be brutally honest with me and I want her to give it to me straight.

However it goes, I know I’m making a beautiful mistake, and from today my heart will be at peace and her heart will be at peace.

I know she’ll say that she’s not ready for a commitment or relationship but that is not the point. Tell me straight!

Sobriety 

Coz I’ll just send this to her I just want her to know that no matter the choice, Victor’ll always be there by her side whatever she need, a friend, a therapist, anything.

And I want her to know that I have no issue with your decision and I know that this may seem weird to you, of course normal boys don’t do this but as you see, being normal was my first mistake so I have to be me. I know that you admire that part of me with the vibes but sadly I’m not that person anymore.

Goodbye, it’s 2:48 O’clock.