Its 5:37 in the morning. Can’t sleep. Another restless night. Not a bright start to my day.
Its been 37 days since the last time I heard her voice. 49 days since I saw her face,held her hand and kissed her cheeks. According to her calculations, I should’ve been doing well by now. Calculations can be wrong, specially when done by a girl.
She’s doing pretty well I guess. Why not me? Why am I writing this? Questions I have no answer to.
My first break-up. Its not that I was dying to achieve it and am very proud of it, I just didn’t realise it would happen to me. I guess nobody does, so lost in each other’s love. One doesn’t really give it ample thought as long as the fake promises and lies keeps the other at bay. Atleast it was true for me.
To wake up every f**king morning and think of her is a torment. Every morning I wake up and my first thoughts are, ‘S**t! Another day! How am I gonna pass this? I should stop thinking about her. She doesn’t care for me. I shouldn’t too. I must be strong. I miss her. Miss her voice, her hands in mine, her suppressed smile, that funny mark on her face, that nodding of her head to every agreement, that face she makes to every dislike, her tiny cute nose and some traces of hair on it, the dark lines under her eyes…her kiss…everything.’
Suddenly I feel my fingers curling on their own and trying to grip hers. I realise she’s not here. Never will be again. At that instant, it feels all the oxygen has been sucked from my room. I struggle to breathe, literally. Sometimes, my eyes get watery. It makes me weaker, physically and mentally, everyday of my life. Then I tell myself, ’Don’t worry, just get up now. Don’t think of her. You are a very good man. You deserve better. Everything will be alright.’ I hope so.
The same story repeats the next morning. Every morning.
I wish I could foresee what was coming for me. No. I would not stop loving her then. I would just be more prepared for all this. She was prepared and took me off-guard. If I knew I would make each day with her count.
I can’t explain the s**t going through my head. I try to understand where did everything go wrong. Look for that one big reason which made her do it. I can’t stop thinking about it. Can’t let it go too.
What have I become? A psycho? Clearly I have become obsessed with her. Is it love? What is love to her? Is it care? Will she ever realise how much I love her? I can’t think of all these together. It kills me. It is killing me.
I didn’t know break-up would be so easy for her and so disastrous for me. I still can’t believe it. It has clearly broken me beyond repair. For her it was simply like wishing good morning over the phone. For me it has been my worst nightmare. I wish I could delete just that one day from my life, just that one day.
She once said ‘Love is something which 2 people feel good for sometime… feel right’.
‘Sometime’ was too short in my case. Did she ever love me? Have I been used? Or am I intolerable and a pathetic person?
Unlike her I considered her more than a girlfriend. Loving someone too much can be one’s undoing. This should be the first lesson in school. I can only regret now.
She doesn’t even want to hear my voice or see me. What does she think of me now? I don’t know that. Rather, I don’t want to know that. My heart can only take so much. But I’m still holding on to her memories. They are all I have of her. Sweet as well as bitter memories.
I don’t know what happens to me next. My life is hanging on uncertainity. Will things turn out fine or will I be an unlucky soul?
Sometimes, only sometimes, I imagine her smiling face and it makes me smile. I remember anything funny she said and it makes my heart lighter. But all this lasts only for a few seconds, because soon after I am overcome with unbearable pain. I just lie on my bed till the pain subsides and try to put on a fake smile.
But, unfortunately, I’m not so good at faking happy tears.
I love you S…
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