Baskadia

I am tired of wearing big job titles that guise my financial incapability. What’s the point of bearing a tag I can’t defend with corresponding substance? I am tired of having to resort to my eloquence as a means to cover up my inability to pay the bills. How long do I have to keep making excuses for my shortfalls? I am tired of appearing alright to people whereas deep down I’m just a miserable shadow of myself.

I am tired of spinning my head and working out my whole system in a workplace over crazy targets. A job that at best pays me only a minimum wage, yet expects me to give in maximum drive, and still I have to make provisions on my own to bear the occupational hazards with no allowances to cover such. I really crave to go far, but I’m tired of raising the performance bar, yet my living standard is just below the poverty bar. I am tired of inspiring a team of workers to work hard when my finances bear no evidence that hard work pays. Even though I am confident I could deliver, I still shiver for the future cos there’s nothing to show for my ingenuity.

I am tired of making blank calculations in the air every day in an attempt to beat my budgets given my fixed income. I’m tired of hoping to save at least a fraction of my income for the rainy day. Savings that eventually become unrealistic regardless of how much I readjust my budget and rearrange my preferences.

I am tired of having to choose between skipping my needs and stalling them, owing to the confusion that rocks my decision of priorities and forgone alternatives. Is this not unreasonably wrong that the income already has an outcome before it comes? I wonder if this is why I burnt the midnight candles in the classroom and emerged the best there was at a time.

This is as far as my strength goes now. Beyond this all I need is grace. Perhaps I’ve looked passed the fact that the conquest I seek takes more than just might and skills, and I’m wrong. Maybe I’ve been unreasonable not to recognize His goodness that is renewed every morning, and His love that never fails. Maybe I’m yet to master the art of genuine thanksgiving from the place of true devotion, or maybe there’s a lesson in it for me, or a blessing I’m to reap afterwards. Maybe if I looked closer around and inwardly, I’ll see reasons to cheer up and be thankful that at least I’m alive and still hopeful for better days.

So at the core of all the events I’m tired of, I’ll still say “THANK YOU JESUS!

Anthony Cyril Nkwor