Baskadia

Sometimes I wonder if I am sufficient for my loved ones? What if they're disappointed in me? What if they consider me as an option which can be replaced? What if they don't choose me on my worst? I wonder if my dark side shadows the good in me, if they're able to assassinate me for efforts I make, although I fail. There are days in which I want to be understood without asking for it. My ego doesn't allow me to ask for LOVE, CARE, AFFECTION. I wonder if i deserve all these luxuries? And if I get the opportunity to enjoy them, will I be able to reciprocate them? My ego doesn't want me to clear the negative air built between a relationship even if I am on the fault. I lack in communicating my thoughts. As I write this, I am overwhelmed with mixed emotions and sentiments. I want to write it all, but as I said, I am not good in communicating them. Processing my musing, is a squid game for me, either I do it or let a part of me die, and having a volatile nature, I choose the later one. I don't want my beloved people to think that I don't care about them having opinions and feelings just because I don't communicate myself. I do. That's all I think about all day long, wondering if I can make any betterment to their worries regarding me. I think and curse myself for not being enough. Maybe I am not sufficient for anybody but I do know that I can let the guards of my ego and self respect down, for people that I love. I hope that somebody hold me and help me to be better version of myself. I don't want to be an extra because of these unsaid words.