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When Your Husband Talks to Another Woman – 12 Things To Do
So your husband talks to another woman, and it hurts you, but he doesn’t see why it does.
A lot of wives reach out to me asking what they might be doing wrong because their husbands are talking to other women and they think it’s okay.
By talking, I don’t mean a normal or passing conversation, but a closer relationship that rattles the woman in the marriage relationship.
But husband doesn’t see it; he feels his wife is just jealous or blowing things out of proportion.
Before I share my twelve tips, let’s first get our own house in order as women.
If you think your husband is texting, calling, pursuing, confiding in or generally encouraging a borderline relationship with another woman, be aware
– It’s possible to imagine a relationship that doesn’t exist
Just because a woman is coming on to your husband doesn’t mean your husband asked for it, is encouraging it or is interested in her.
Always try to have some context and don’t be quick to judge. We’ll talk about this in greater detail below.
– Female friend’s don’t disappear because he got married
He had a life and friends before he met you. These friends, male or female don’t evaporate after “I do” (unless they NEED to.)
Hopefully during the dating and courting stage, you met his friends and got to know a few. Some of these friendships won’t make it past the early months of marriage because our priorities, focus, and energies change.
But a few stay a little longer. If the dynamics need to change, they do so gradually. Overall, the friends who remain tend to be your friends too.
– You can’t control his work life
If he’s an employee, he’s likely not in control of most of his work life in terms of who he sits next to, travels with, meets with for work.
Yes, he should have personal boundaries in his work life and should be able to take action if those boundaries are getting infringed upon.
But he doesn’t have a lot of control there. Yes, talk about any relationship that makes you nervous but also appreciate the whole picture and not just the pieces that matter to you.
– Check your heart
If you are insecure and tend not to trust easily, you’ll likely project your issues onto your husband.
The best place to start, when you think your husband is cozying up with another woman or the woman is too comfy with your husband is to ask, is it me?
Then work from there.
Certainly, you can be both insecure and correct in your assessment of a relationship your husband has. But your insecurities might interfere with your ability to communicate well and hijack your ability to resolve healthily.
With that foundation laid, let us dive into the 12 things to consider when your husband is talking to other women
1. Cut off your friendship with the other woman
This is for the wife who’s “best friend” is chatting up her husband, and she feels pressured to keep the woman in her life because she’s being told (by the friend and her husband) that there’s nothing going on between the two of them.
Obviously, the first step is to have a talk with your husband and request for the infringement to stop.
But as far as your friend goes, you should walk away because she is not a friend.
“She’s such a nice person! Plus I don’t want her to think I am petty and weird.”
Well listen, if my best friend hinted that she’s uncomfortable with myassociation with her husband, I would drop the connection with her husband like a hot potato. Because friends listen to each other like that.
Anyone who inserts themselves between a married couple is paddling the wrong way. It doesn’t matter if the married couple is right or wrong: it’s none of your business at that point. Pack up your ego and leave.
So to you dear wife. If losing your friend makes you uncomfortable, if drawing the line and insisting someone respects you feels wrong – take a minute to consider what you would rather lose; a friend or your marriage?
Your marriage is worth it.
2. Talk to your husband
I can’t count the number of times I’ve made assumptions about my husband. Like he should know how specific actions make me feel.
I know this is an obvious point, but it needs to be said: if you need to say something, say it. Presuming “he should know” or giving vague hints or sulking doesn’t cut it. Neither does punishing him for things he doesn’t know of.
If letting your husband know you are uncomfortable with a relationship he has, consider your end goal; it’s not to prove something but to communicate your heart and to hear his.
This is not about who is right and who is wrong. This is not a battle: it’s a relationship. Don’t be afraid of stepping out for your marriage.
Plus you would rather speak your heart than rage with hidden problems. Those issues tend to leak out anyway.
3. Understand how men are wired
I hear the uproar all the way up here in Texas but I am making a different point: what you see and what he sees might be two different things.
We women are wired with an uncommon sense; we just knowthings. We pick up when another woman is flirting with our husbands or encroaching our marriage boundaries; it’s a gift we have.
However, most husbands don’t have that gift in the sense that some relationship dynamics are lost to them. A wife can read all the warning signs while her husband thinks the other woman is just nice and friendly.
So if a woman is flirting with your husband or being too cozy and your man is convinced there’s nothing to it: he might not be seeing it.
If a woman is flirting with your husband or being too cozy and your man is convinced there's nothing to it, understand where he's coming from: he might not be seeing it. But here's a caveatClick to Tweet
He’s not covering anything; he’s just blind complex cues and calls.
Obviously, once you’ve shared your heart and even if he doesn’t understand it, he should listen to you. If he doesn’t, the problem is broader than connection blindness. He’s choosing not to honor his marriage.
4. Remember correction is painful
I heard a husband share how he asked his wife to be his accountability partner because he was struggling with looking at women.
One day while relaxing on a poolside, a sharp pain pierced his side.
He turned to find his wife pinching him hard. “Just helping with accountability, dear.”
Apparently, she saw right through his dark glasses as he stared and “escorted” a woman passing by.
Point of the story: correction is painful. Not always physically (because I am not suggesting you keep your husband accountable in that way) but in many other ways.
It’s unpleasant and uncomfortable to be admonished. Expect your husband to squirm, just like you would if the tables were turned.
Don’t act like he should just bounce along like your observation was nothing. Read this Instagram post on how my husband and I keep each other accountable in this area.
5. Seek counsel
When it comes to your husband talking with other women, the problems are as diverse as the individual couple. So it’s not possible to offer specific insights in such a general post (though we’ll attempt below.)
That’s why I encourage every wife who writes to me or leaves a comment on the blog to find a trusted friend or a mentor or a pastor to share her dilemma.
An article like this will help in a general sense, but it can’t walk you in “fine print.” For that, you need community; someone to pray with you, a person that listens to the Spirit of God and who believes in the sanctity of the vow.
We must develop a community; don’t just show up to church when you have a problem. Cultivate fellowship as a lifestyle.
Then should you need your community in this way, reaching out becomes a natural part of your fellowship, as easy as calling a friend for coffee.
6. If your husband is talking to another woman, it’s not your fault
I get it.
We marrieds have a unique privilege and responsibility. When we got married, we became the only option for our spouse, and we are to choose to be a blessing to our mates all the days of our lives.
We can’t dismiss the things that matter to them and expect the marriage to fare well.
If you are intentionally turning away from your husband and making light of what matters to him – you are doing your marriage a great disservice and you need to get help.
You can’t drag your marriage through hot coals and then turn around and complain about being burned. While your husband is responsible for his actions, you are also responsible for yours.
Get the help you need.
Are you turned off by bad communication? Pursue health
Are you too busy for marriage? Learn to prioritize
Are you feeling disrespected? Address it
Are frustrated with your marriage? Look inward
Are you feeling like you married the wrong person? Read this
That said, allow me to inspect the other side of the coin.
Whatever problems a wife is experiencing, they are not a ticket for her husband seek refuge in the arms of another woman. He can’t fish outside his marriage covenant because “my wife isn’t attractive to me anymore.”
Because, as the popular saying goes, you don’t go looking for a new house when the light bulb goes off, you fix the bulb.
So for the husband who feels his wife has “let herself go” and consequently no longer deserves his affection or attention; you have a problem that is deeper than the physical; you are forsaking your commitment to your wife.
I am not minimizing the disappointment you might be facing. It is heartbreaking when a marriage no longer brings joy because your wife switched off in the areas that matter to you.
However, when we got married, we vowed to love hard, till death do us part or Christ takes one of us home.
Love isn’t a feeling but a decision.
It’s choosing to be patient and kind. To not demand our way or be irritable and keep a record of wrong. It’s rejoicing in truth and never giving up or losing hope. 1 Corinthians 13: 4
You can practice these decisions even when disappointed.
Continue to encourage your wife instead of turning away. Explore your heart, confess of any sins of fear or comparison. Encourage her to be a part of a healthy community.
And join a community of other men who love God and family so you can be challenged and encouraged as a man.
Also never stop praying for her.Because if she’s turning away from the things that matter, her issues are deeper than your marriage.
7. Plug the holes
So Intentional Today, this website, is a newlywed website. My audience is mainly made up of wives who are in the early years of marriage.
So, if you are experiencing opposite sex problems this early in the marriage, the chances are that they are not anything new. Your husband was this way before you married him.
In fact, I’ve heard of husbands who said to their wives, “but you knew I liked to talk to women before we got married, why are you getting bothered now?”
So let’s be honest. While your husband has an undeniable problem, you allowed him to get away with it. You have some business to take care of, questions to ask yourself and some growth to do.
Ask yourself, why did I settle for low standards? Was I naive and assumed things would change once we got married? Was I fearful of losing him? Was I too proud to back off when I saw the red flags?
Talk to God and name the problems that arise. And then start to deal with them.
Again, you can deal with both issues at the same time (yours and his) but just remember you can’t heal what you don’t confront.
Prepare for a more thorough journey ahead; purpose to heal from the roots up. Realize that the more address your issues, the better equipped you’ll be to deal with his.
God sees you and loves you and wants to make you whole. He’s not upset or angry at you.
So far, we’ve covered 7 possible steps to take when you find out your husband is talking to other women. In the remaining points, we’ll explore a few scenarios and some possible action steps.
8. When you stumble on compromising pictures of another woman on your husband’s phone, exercise restraint.
DON’T fly off the handle.
Just because there is a picture doesn’t mean what you think it means. It doesn’t mean the picture was solicited.
For example, certain messaging Apps like WhatsApp automatically download images into the phone gallery. So if your husband is in a group on Whatsapp and someone shares a picture there, it will download on his phone gallery.
Certainly, you should talk about it, but the point is to avoid jumping into conclusions.
I love something blogger Sheila Gregoire says
In marriage, we tend to judge ourselves by our intentions and our spouses by their actions.
Think higher of your spouse instead of always assuming the worst without any evidence. Listen to his side of the story first.
9. Give yourself space to grieve. And plan
So you found out that there was indeed a conversation before a picture was sent.
Or you stumbled upon texts or encounters that reveal it’s not accidental or unsolicited or one-sided. Maybe you find him engaging instead of shutting down another woman’s pursuit.
Or he’s blatantly pursuing intimate or borderline connection. Or there’s a girl who makes you uncomfortable, and you’ve talked about it and he promised it wouldn’t happen again, but you discover he never ended it.
It’s heartbreaking, and I am so sorry you are going through this.
I don’t mean to unload another bag on you, but you need to accept you have something bigger than a minor infraction; you are likely dealing with marital infidelity (emotional or sexual.)
One of the best things you can do is to try and deal with your hurt emotions before you try to confront him.
Give yourself a little space to grieve and feel. But also space to think and plan for that conversation.
Prayer is crucial. Without talking to God, taking time to linger in His presence, allowing Him to affirm you and comfort and give you wisdom, you will stumble.
10. Create some boundaries
Maybe you’ve confirmed he’s having an emotional affair.
Your heart and trust are broken and connecting sexually is the last thing on your mind. But he wants sex and thinks you should carry on as normal or as close to normal as possible. And you are conflicted and worried.
I want to know that it’s normal to feel disconnected from your husband.
Our emotional responses are mechanisms that actually serve a purpose. For example, most humans have a fear of jumping in front of a moving vehicle. That is a healthy fear; an inbuilt system that keeps us safe.
In the same way, the “check” in your heart, the loss of sexual attraction should not be stuffed or ignored; it’s serving a purpose in your marriage.
Instead of assuming it’s wrong, bring it to God. Talk to Him, tell Him how you feel. Read your Bible and allow it to speak to you.
Then explain to your husband why can’t make love right away. You might say something like
I love you and want to make love, but I feel like our intimacy and trust has been shattered. We need to start rebuilding that first. Making love is not just a physical experience for me; it’s deeply intimate.
I want to go back to that place of vulnerability so we can enjoy being together again. I feel your addressing the issues we are facing will help us get there.
Here’s what you’ve done; you’ve allowed your hesitation to help you both take personal responsibility for the issues and to heal from the roots up.
Now, your husband might not like your boundary or even understand it and you don’t control over that.
But you have control over how you communicate to him. And how you take responsibility for your own stuff, like getting healthy emotionally, staying Biblical, determining to be controlled by the Spirit of God, not emotions.
Please Note: As far as sexual boundaries are concerned, we are talking about a very specific scenario here and I am not saying we should respond this way on every marriage problem.
11. When you don’t know what to do, find someone who does
Now let’s talk about seeking counsel from the outside; it’s normal to be so heartbroken that you don’t know what to do.
No matter how you feel, I want you to remember that God is still bigger than the storm that is brewing inside you.
He is bigger than what you face; so big that He can speak and you can hear His voice despite the rage within and without. He is powerful and loving and involved in your life. Romans 8:31-39
So don’t ever stop talking to Him because you feel confused, angry or numb; keep praying, keep reading His Word, and you’ll be astounded by what He does.
Alongside nurturing your relationship with God, seek out community, perhaps a small group leader or close friend or a counselor.
God speaks through people, and that’s one of the reasons we must do life in a community. Even if you think you know what to do, make a habit of filtering your natural responses through the Word of God and godly counsel.
One of the benefits of outside counsel is being able to bounce your thoughts off someone. Sometimes just hearing your own ideas will bring clarity.
Also, you’ll learn new angles you hadn’t thought of and discover how others have dealt with their difficulties.
Is your marriage a safe place? Are problems being addressed or do you feel like everything is swept under the rug? How do you address issues when your spouse hates talking about the things that matter to you? You deserve more! Sign up for my FREE course and start creating a vibrant, healthy marriage where problems get addressed, not ignored. Click Here to Sign Up!
12. When your husband talks to another woman, don’t wash your dirty linen in public
Sharing with trusted counsel is not the same as blasting out your husband’s indiscretion on social media or telling all your friends about it.
Definitely not the same thing as sharing “truth bombs” on social media directed at your spouse.
Blasting your husband's indiscretion on social media or telling all your friends about it is not the wisest move for a wife interested in restoring her marriage. Folks won't forget as quicklyClick to Tweet
When you feel the urge to lash back in this way, ask God to help you process your anger in a healthier way.
Remember that all these folk won’t be as forgiving after you are all made up with your husband. His image is tainted forever, or for a more extended period.
Don’t just protect your marriage when it’s sunshine, defend it even when it’s raining.
There are so many things you can do when indiscretions and emotional cheating knocks on your wedded doors; today’s post is meant to affirm and shine some light on your path.
You can get more specific answers when you get in touch with me through my Marriage Coaching Program for Wives. Click here to see we can walk together.
I pray that your marriage not only survives this storm but comes out stronger than before.
Read these related posts
Are you wrestling with the overwhelm of new marriage and desperate for a step by step guide on how end the confusion, fussing, misunderstandings? Would you like to restore healing and happiness to your marriage? Or maybe you just want to understand marriage so you can love better, create the relationship of your dreams, God’s way. My book Blues to Bliss: Creating Your Happily Ever After in the Early Years can help! Pick it up here Amazon Paperback I Amazon Kindle I Barnes & Noble I PDF
Photos: Creative Free Stock, Plush Design Studio, Studio 7042 from Pexels.com
Hi! I'm Ngina, a certified marriage coach, author, and blogger. I'm on a mission to help women and couples create healthy, spouse-honoring marriages. I also examine unhealthy relationship dynamics and how elevating the marriage institution above individual welfare has harmed us. My goal is to help individuals and couples uncover problems, heal, and thrive. I love Jesus, my sweet guy and a hot cup of tea.. Join the Adventure
so we all have friends of the opposite sex. no big deal. never has been, until, there is this one woman (who is married and we both know her husband) who will run up to my husband give a hug and my husband gives a big hug back but she never acknowledges me as i’m sitting right next to him. i told him it bothers me but he doesn’t do anything like .. when she hugs i feel he should say something like “remember my wife, (insert name)?” .. he just lets it keep happening although he knows it bothers me to no end. am i wrong for wanting him to confront this or should i be the one confronting her? i don’t care they are friends. i care that she continually ignores me while i’m sitting there with a smile on my face ..she doesn’t even look at me. it hurts. and he doesnt do anything about. that hurts too.
Ngina Otiende says:
Sherri, I’m so sorry. That’s disrespectful to you. I definitely think you should speak up next time it happens. Especially since your husband won’t address it, even though it’s clearly hurtful. There’s no reason to quietly endure something like that. Perhaps mention to your husband that you’re going to address it with the lady next time or simply bring it up when it happens.
My husband is having an affair. Someone told me and he is denying it. I want a divorce and I don’t know how to go about it.
Ngina Otiende says:
Julia, I am so sorry. If sounds like you might benefit from individual counseling (or couple counseling if your husband is open) to help you process. You can find legal resources through your local connections (church, friends etc) or just google it. Here’s an article to help with your next step
I would very much appreciate some correspondence. I can’t stop talking to other women. I’m afraid it’s a sort of addiction. I love my wife dearly and it has devastated my marriage almost to the point of divorce. Please help with any advice or possible counseling you may have.
Ngina Otiende says:
Thank you for your honesty, Evan. My recommendation is get help. See an addictions counselor or a counselor.
My husband talking and text to his coworker or friend Whatever it is all the time more than me I question that why? He say she just like texting or calling me from her phone instead of calling me from the work phone. He said he told her to stop texting and calling him because I said the text but that didn’t stop there he started to erase the text and the calls for me not to see. He promises to tell me the true and that he was going to block her and was going to change for our family and our marriage to save .. what should I do it’s a lot to take on and I’m trying to trust him but it’s hard when I see a thing after a thing.
Ngina Otiende says:
Sandra, I am so sorry. I hope one of the tips I’ve shared (e.g #5 and #11) is helpful.
Trust your gut and set boundaries before it gets worse. Work is work. If he’s hiding it. He’s cheating. If you aren’t comfortable with it. He should stop.
My husband started talking with this girl again. I don’t know what they were before we got married. But they still continued to talk even after like now. I confronted her one but she lied to my face and didn’t care. What can I do I don’t know what to do. We have kids together and I don’t want them to see me worried and sad all the time. I want him to be 100% in our marriage not 70%.
Ngina Otiende says:
I am so sorry Miriam. It sounds like you might benefit from counseling, talking to a trusted mentor/friend
My wife is insecure and doesn’t trust me based on past incidents of me cheating while we were dating. I’ve regretted it but I’ve also grown from it to try and be the man Christ has called for me to be.
She seems to automatically believe that if I’m talking to a female something more is always happening and that her gut is always right about the situation. Yet, it’s more than often wrong. I’m open and honest with her about the conversations and anything my wife asks about the female.
I work in an industry dominated by females so I can’t prevent myself from being in contact with females. She feels that if I am talking to females the conversation should be strictly about business and if it isn’t I should end/not entertain the conversation. Even to go as far as saying if I ask or if a female asks me “hey, how are you?”, “how was your day?” (normal casual/passing by/friendly conversation) is considered crossing the line to her. In her words she “don’t want a FRIENDLY husband”. I don’t agree with her position and believe that she’s being irrational and doesn’t understand what a true breach of our relationship boundaries would be.
All my conversations with the one female I was speaking with last weren’t inappropriate at all and the female wasn’t flirting with me. My wife got upset because my message responses were long and the female asked about our daughter (the female also has a daughter and married) but to make sure I wasn’t disrespecting my wife I sent a family photo of all of us.
I don’t agree that any boundaries were crossed but my wife thinks I’m disrespecting to her and our marriage. I feel like I didn’t do anything wrong. I’ve tried to ask her to speak with a neutral 3rd party or try to go to counseling but she feels like if I can’t agree with her position our marriage is not worth it.
Ngina Otiende says:
RC, it sounds like your wife still doesn’t trust you. Typically, the person who broke trust does not get to decide when their spouse “gets over” infidelity/broken trust. On the other hand, the marriage will not thrive, or survive if trust and healing never takes place. It sounds like your marriage would greatly benefit from counseling..so you should go even if your wife won’t go with you.
My husband was helping a relative at a benefit one weekend and he called and asked to stay with his brother in law since he was tired and had been drinking. I was fine with that but I later found out that while there he ran into a younger woman (he’s 40 and she’s 27) their families were all friends and he hasn’t seen her in years. They hung out at the bar and ended up going to a friend of her’s house for an after bar party. He hide this from me, led me to believe he stayed at his brother in law’s mother’s house and the only reason why was I happened to look at a text that came through on his phone a night later and seen there was a text from a number i did not know saying hello with a flirty smiley face sent that next morning. I did not read to much into and decided to see if there was anymore contact over the next couple days. The next night he shut off his phone when he went to bed which was unusual so i looked again and found out the number had called him and they talked for 4 1/2 mins. Then i started to ask question’s and reached out to his family that he was with that weekend. I found out that the phone number was from this girl and that he did not stay at the mother’s house but that his brother in law and him stayed at this girl’s friends house. I confronted him, he said nothing happened that he just slept on the couch and left in the morning. I asked why she had his number and he said she asked for it. (note they are not friends on facebook and he does not like texting). He kept saying nothing happened and that they were just old family friends. I asked why she called him and He said she called to ask him what he was saying about that night and he said nothing because apparently someone was talking badly about her and she didn’t want a bad name. Now I felt like he was still leaving stuff out a lot of unknowns so I questioned him again and then he added in that they did dance but he said nothing physical they kept there space and that his brother in law left him there that night alone so he had to walk back to the place they had the benefit the next day. ( more stuff he left out 1st time) He also texted her after i found out saying i was pissed and some other messages but he deleted them and he said he can’t remember what they were about or what else they talked about on the phone. He said he didn’t tell me about hanging out with her because he thought I would be upset. I am not a jealous person and have never questioned him in the past (we’ve been together 12 year) but now i feel like he is still leaving stuff out and i feel like a crazy jealous person. I told him sure I wouldn’t a been thrilled about it but I would a gotten over it, i am more upset that he lied about all this and now I keep feeling like I can’t trust him. I told him I didn’t want him talking to her anymore and he said ok but how am I to know they won’t still talk and just delete the messages now that i know. Not knowing what they talked about is what is driving me crazy. He said he was not interested in her and loves me and maybe He is telling the truth but he lied and I keep thinking if he hide it he had to of known it was wrong in the 1st place. I just don’t know where to go from here? He is not good with communication and he is just acting like everything is fine between us.
Hi, I recently found out my husband was talking and texting a women almost every day for four hours for over a year or more. I found out cause I called the number and it was a women on the answering machine. I confronted him about it and he said that are friends and I’m overreacting. He said there is not emotional connection with this woman. He thinks that’s there is nothing wrong with talking to this women. He said he will end the friendship because it bothers me. I am devastated by this and I am having a hard time moving on. How do I get thru this?
Ngina Otiende says:
Alice, I am so sorry! I’d suggest seeing a counselor (or a wise mentor)
Another mind-blowing, life-changing article! Thank you so much Ngina!
Ngina Otiende says:
So glad it was inspiring!
I understand this is a real issue many women are going through but I believe it is one sided. Am offended when women think all men want is sex when really they need someone they can connect with on so many levels, discussing your issues that hurt at heart and seeing no changes even after investing time and everything for 4-5years can really be heart shattering. O think for those that have a spouse that started just what he dint do before need to first examine themselves, asking questions like what does she offer/bring to the table, is it something he needs that I have failed to deliver? If we dint want the commitment we wouldn’t have said “I do” in the first place.
Ngina Otiende says:
Daniel, I hear you. It’s true that some women misunderstand what men are are looking for. But there a lot of women know that men aren’t just looking for sex when they step outside the marriage, sometimes they are just seeking connection, empathy, a listening ear. And I really feel sad for the husband who doesn’t have these things in his marriage – they are valid and real. However, when we don’t get what we want/need in a relationship, the answer isn’t to find another person who will give us what we want. It’s to find help for the marriage. Get into counseling, find accountability, weigh all your options within the framework of “what is the next right thing I can do today?”
The question is why does it have to be a person of the opposite sex. And please clarify “so many levels”
Ngina Otiende says:
I understand your consternation. But you have to be respectful in your engagement. Your comment has been edited.
My husband keeps deleting a girls chat but when I checked his msgs in night there were kisses in his chat I dont know what to do in this situation
Misty H says:
My husband works with many women in his field of work. He has acquired many friendships with these women, to the degree that some women refer to him as their “work husband”. I have seen many text messages with these women and there is a lot of conversation about “missing seeing him”, etc. I have spoken to my husband several times about how I feel the conversations are inappropriate and some to the point of an emotional affair. He replies that they are all just friends and coworkers. He promises that he has never had a physical affair but to me the emotional connections he is having are just as hurtful. Recently, I found another text to a woman that he knows I don’t feel comfortable with and he initiated the conversation. I feel really hurt that no matter how often I have said how I feel about these types of texts/conversations, he continues to have them.
I’m not sure where to go from here. Bringing it up just causes arguments that last for days because he feels I don’t trust him.
Ngina Otiende says:
Misty, you have cause for concern. I hope the thoughts I shared in the post + the recommended readings at the end of the post, offer ideas for your next steps.
My husband thinks it’s okay to talk to another women who is married about their sex life. She wasn’t getting what she wanted at home and asked my husband for help. He went to her place (husband’s at work) and had a lengthy discussion with her and suggested things to her and went on to tell her about our sex life and our exploration. I was not happy about that as he did not discuss that with me first. He says his talking to her has made their sex life better and how talking to him has helped her immensely. He’ll spend 2 1/2 hours talking to her, while his wife (me) and son are at home. He’s playing counselor it would seem and thinks nothing wrong with it. When I say something, he gets defensive about it and says he’s really comfortable talking to her and vice versa. Should I be concerned about this? I’m a pretty private person and he’s pretty much laid out everything to this person and it makes me very uncomfortable.
Ngina Otiende says:
Your husband’s interactions are disconcerting on many levels. You should be concerned. It’s not about his comfort level talking to another woman about sex (married or not) but your comfort level (and of course the limits and boundaries of a marriage). While it sounds like the lady needs help, she needs to get it someone else (pref. a friend of her own gender) not a married man.
My husband likes to put his hands on me talk down on me and tell me I’m not going to be nothing he talking to a young lady that 20 in my husband is 35 He tells me I have a mental problem Because I take medicine for depression We tried therapist the therapist told him that he need to take ownership for what he do He is too controlling
Ngina Otiende says:
Nakeisha, I responded to a different comment you left in another article and I will repeat my response here – what your husband is doing is abusive. You need to talk to a licensed counselor. You can also check out Leslie Vernick or Natalie Hoffman (just google the names) for helpful next steps
“Love isn’t a feeling but a decision.”
Probably the best line I have read this year. The entire article was well written, informative and came from the heart. Nicely done and thank you.
Ngina Otiende says:
Thank you, John. I am so glad you enjoyed the post
My husband is in a emotional/ sexual relationship with another woman and it’s not the first time. We are trying to save our marriage and will be having a serious conversation where he is supposed to answer my questions honestly. Can you give me advise on the best questions to ask?
Ngina Otiende says:
Virginia, I am thinking these are questions best asked in a counseling atmosphere, where a counselor/pastor/trusted advisor is better versed with your situation and can guide the conversation. Or offer guidance on how to do it.
This was a very well thought out and presented article. You mentioned God, but don’t know if you come at this from a Christian perspective. But my thought, as a faithfully married husband of 28(+) years is this: Maybe one of these wives really does need to look in the mirror. Everything you wrote was spot on, including the fact that he is responsible for his own ill behavior. But what if he talks to other women because she shuts him down, dismisses his thoughts or perspective, or is simply uninterested in meeting his need for connection. I’ve seen this dynamic, and it’s not pretty. She expects him to [xyz] but fails to take any responsibility for [abc]. Is she a safe, healthy place for him to use his much smaller store of words? Is she respectful of his wants, thoughts, dreams, needs, etc? He is certainly on the hook for his own sins, but don’t kid yourself that he lives in a vacuum. Her attitude, her provision, her involvement in and commitment to the relationship are paramount.
Ngina Otiende says:
Bill, I agree about the wife’s responsibilities in marriage and I’ve tried to bring that up throughout the post. And I cannot even begin to imagine the heartbreak for the husband going through what you’ve described. A few husbands reach out to me and share their difficulties.
My goal in this post is not to gloss over the hurt a husband feels or ignore a wife’s duty and how her refusal and disengagement makes her marriage vulnerable.
This post is mainly geared to wives who are doing the best they know to but can benefit from more insight. I’ll add an edit for clarity.
Where the wife is intentionally turning away from her husband, I hope to help the husband see his wife’s refusal does not release him from his vow, however hard that feels. Hence my encouragement for the husband to find a band of godly brothers who will encourage and challenge him because it’s a lonely path to walk alone. Thank you for adding your thoughts, you’ve made good observations. I hope wives benefit from your perspective.
My husband looks/ogles women all the the time, even to the point he will watch them approach, watche as they walk by, and then he turns around to see their rear ends. I have tried talking to him about it and letting him know how I feel when he does it, and he first of all denies that he does it, and then says its my imagination and then we end up arguing about it and he tells me he will look at whoever he wants, whenever he wants and wherever he wants. I know its not my imagination because at one store where it happened, the girl he was looking at shrugged her shoulders to me like “What’s up with that”, as my husband walked away and I ended up telling her “I’m sorry”, which was totally humiliating. When we got to the car, I told him what the girl did and he told me I was making it up. But I wasn’t. What can I do , any suggestions? My husband is in his 60s.
Ngina Otiende says:
Peggy, I am so sorry. That’s a very hurtful and uncomfortable place to be at as a wife. It seems to me that your husband has a lust problem. Please read these series of articlesfor a deeper look at how to deal with that and other possible issues
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