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Review Rules of Estrangement Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict by Joshua Coleman PhD

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[ BOOK RULES OF ESTRANGEMENT: WHY ADULT CHILDREN CUT TIES AND HOW TO HEAL THE CONFLICT by JOSHUA COLEMAN PHD OVERVIEW ]

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A guide for parents whose adult children have cut off contact that reveals the hidden logic of estrangement, explores its cultural causes, and offers practical advice for parents trying to reestablish contact with their adult children.

“Finally, here’s a hopeful, comprehensive, and compassionate guide to navigating one of the most painful experiences for parents and their adult children alike.”—Lori Gottlieb, psychotherapist and New York Times bestselling author of
Next, I entered into a formal, verbalized estrangement with her after my attempts to explore and repair the wounds from her estrangement (and years of abandonment) were not received well.

Then, after briefly coming back together following a death in the family, she has re-estranged herself from me following a painful conflict between the two of us that she was unwilling/unable to openly communicate about and work through.

I purchased this book to help me make better sense of all of this as well as to help me better understand the "epidemic of estrangement" that I'm seeing in my private psychotherapy practice.

What I Appreciated Most About This Book:

1. The personal and professional lens of the parent -- The author is a therapist and he's also a parent whose daughter estranged herself from him. I am a therapist, and I am an adult child, but I am not a parent. In my practice, I work mostly with adults around my same age group (millennials) who are sometimes navigating family estrangements. This book was super-important for me to read because it helped me develop greater empathy for parents, and it allows me to (hopefully) offer my clients greater insight and perspective as they decide what decisions to make in regards to their own parent-child dynamics.

2. The emphasis on the cultural shift driving estrangements -- I am a millennial and completely resonate with the cultural shift that seems to be driving estrangements at a record rate. He unpacks how the different generations have fundamentally different perspectives on what a parent-child relationship should look like as well as other socioeconomic forces which seem to be contributing to estrangement and overall stress on the family system.

3. The author is gentle but direct about the parents' role in healing the estrangement -- I think oftentimes authors tend to "take sides" ... either they're all in it for the adult child or for the parent, which tends to be unhelpful in healing the divide. But this particular author offers great empathy for the parents and great perspective on how we got here, while also being direct about what steps are the parents' responsibility to take in order to begin healing the relationship.

Overall, I would recommend this book to ANY therapist who is dealing with ANY kind of estrangement in their practice -- It's important to have a well-rounded perspective of this topic overall.

I would also recommend this to parents whose children have cut them off because this book provides a concrete path forward. AND I would recommend this book to adult children who are presently estranged from a parent or are considering estrangement because understanding the implications of your estrangement from a different perspective may help guide you in choosing a less painful path moving forward.

Name: Lexicron
Rating: 5.0 out of 5 stars
Title: This is the book I needed
Date: Reviewed in the United States on September 7, 2022
Review: In the past six years since my son and his wife gave me the estrangment treatment, I've read at least 15 books on the subject, on the topic of estranged grandparents, and I've participated in web groups on this topic. It all helped, to a degree, but never before have I encountered such useful, if infuriating, suggestions on how to possibly re-engage. If you still want to--and the author addresses this possibility, too, in far lesser depth. Never before have I read thoughts and feelings that were so in line with my own, in this regard. Weirdly, I was nearly finished with the book when my daughter-in-law reached out to me by phone, and offered a Facetime with my grandkids! Never expected it. Now, though, I'm experiencing something else Dr. Coleman addresses: the fear of getting your hopes dashed again. Perhaps they'll distance themselves yet again. The relationship most of us crave may not be what our adult children want at all--and it has little or nothing to do with how you raised them. Again, the author explains what today's society is telling adult children. Depending on who they marry (and that entire family), you may have to adjust your expectations radically. The big takeaway: The kids are in control. This is their game, not yours, and rarely a mutual one. Relationship takes on entirely different meaning, even if you've been working to re-engage. There are degrees of engagement, and my adult son's idea sure isn't what I was hoping for. Dr. Coleman goes into this, with empathy and sometimes tough love for older parents. One point I wish he had explored in greater depth: I'm in my mid-70s, as are most grandparents of estranged children. Approaching the end of our journey. Our adult children usually don't realize this or think about it. We may not have the time left to embark on this delicate process. And we may decide, after all our work and pain and anger, that we may now be the ones who care less. After reading this book, and given another teaser from my daughter-in-law, I feel thaI may have something more enjoyable to do with my time than nod and play therapist with my estranged adult child from long distance. Anyway, Coleman gets it. Read this book.

Name: Rita R
Rating: 5.0 out of 5 stars
Title: Helpful
Date: Reviewed in the United States on January 5, 2023
Review: Definitely worth reading. Great advice. Thanks for writing. Really helped me see the big picture. Now I have some hope for the future.

Name: Shakespeare66
Rating: 5.0 out of 5 stars
Title: Great help from Coleman
Date: Reviewed in the United States on October 28, 2022
Review: Coleman is outstanding. His books help victims of estrangement. Read everything he writes. He's the expert on this area. I thank him every day for his help.

Name: catherine carroll
Rating: 5.0 out of 5 stars
Title: stop the bleeding
Date: Reviewed in the United States on June 30, 2022
Review: Dr. Coleman’s experience with estrangement has given him a depth of knowledge coupled with compassion and life changing advice for those parents like myself, who are left lost and bleeding as if mortally wounded. I just completed the last chapter, which wisely focused on self care and forgiveness. I now believe I have the tools to go forward with my own life, which is limited in years. Thank you Dr. Coleman for sharing your stories, which are much like our own, those of us who are shunned or rejected by the child we love. We can go on and live for ourselves even as we love and accept our adult child at a loving distance, estrangement. Perhaps that will change for me someday, but today I live and feel gratitude for my life.

Name: Caribeazul
Rating: 3.0 out of 5 stars
Title: Sometimes sorry is the wrong thing to say
Date: Reviewed in the United States on September 28, 2022
Review: Admitting to your adult child you’ve done something wrong regardless of the truth is the wrong thing to do. The need to mend a relationship is important only when both sides agree to compromise and admit that mistakes were made. Claiming one or the other side is totally at fault is fake and no one ends up with a trustworthy relationship. Also, one side cannot fix anything if the other side is unable to want reconciliation. At times, both sides need to admit the actions that caused the rift in the first place, especially if one side is unwilling and unable to talk about the part they played in the rift.