Baskadia

I didn’t belong there.

When we hit puberty, our class was getting more and more difficult to control. Boys grew arrogant and started to demonstrate their power. They often broke into the classroom between the lessons even though It wasn’t allowed.
They were extremely aggressive and often threw different objects around the class. I was always sitting inside so I had to be careful not to get hit. But sometimes they tried to hit me deliberately to bully me. For them, It was just fun, but I was afraid every time they jumped in and played their games.

At that time I didn’t know why I deserved all that bullying, but I guess they were disgusted by my shy nature. I was unpopular and weak, which gave them the opportunity to feel superior. I wasn’t in particular conflict with any of them, but It was just something that became the norm. If the leaders of our class decided not to be friends with me, everyone followed, because they didn’t want to be left out of the group.

Soon I was bullied basically every day in some way. The boys were very mean to me and some of them didn’t want to even have eye contact and shouted that I should look away. That was quite humiliating and gave me a feeling like I was a piece of trash.
I was a person everybody could make fun of. When one of my classmates took my hands by force and raised them up, singing a song at the same time, It was humorous for the whole class. I noticed that only the girls were against that kind of behavior, but no one really dared to take action. They just wanted to stay out of that.

One of the most painful moments for me was when a classmate made fun of my skinny legs and said that I deserved to have that accident. I’ve never held a grudge against him, but It surely had a big impact on me.

If puberty made the other boys aggressive and mean, It was the opposite for me. I became even more closed and kept everything to myself. I never blamed anyone else and I didn’t even talk about those issues with my family, because I thought that It would make things even worse. I just learned to suppress my emotions as hard as I could.

Not everything in my life was so gloomy though. I still had a few friends in school I could talk to. When someone sat next to me, I usually talked quite a lot and sometimes even interrupted the lessons. Luckily I also had a few childhood friends, who hadn’t abandoned me and who often invited me outside, although I didn’t really say a word for a long time. My social skills were lacking and I felt I was too different. Mostly I just listened to them or replied when I was rarely asked something. I often felt that I was invisible and If I had disappeared, they wouldn’t have noticed. So as you can tell It wasn’t very fun being around me, but I’m so thankful they still considered me as their friend. In a way, they were like guardian angels, who didn’t let my light vanish completely.