Baskadia

When will it end? 🖤💔🖤

A family of 5 with a two times stroke victim of a single mother who is now as helpless as a three month old baby.

I am Samkelisiwe Ngema,a 27 year old who was once a creative and free person,a reader,a writer,a poet ,a singer ,a dancer and most importantly ,a DREAMER...

now a mother to a family of 10, my own mother included and have been for the past 8 years.

It all began with our mother, victimised by a stroke that first hit her left side when I was in grade 11. I was the strongest and smartest at home so,I had to take her role for the time being...well,that's what I thought.

I found part-time jobs that got us through the year as we were hopeful this night mare would end soon,she was slowly recovering but half way through my matric year, a second stroke that now struck her right side hit and our world changed forever.

I watched our lives perish along with hers, everything I made with the part-time jobs was just not enough. Medical expenses pilled up ,our cupboards went empty and our school uniforms had holes.

I still remember being laughed at because I had shoes that had my toes showing ,my brother bullied in front of me because his pants showed his underwear and his underwear showed his skin and It broke me.

I started dating older men for financial support, got my siblings new uniforms ,put food on our table and covered most of the medical expenses to last us through the year so I could finish my matric.

For so long I had hopes growing up,hopes of going to a performing/creative arts school after my matric but I had to bury my dreams, aspirations, visions and goals to shine a light in our darkness so, I began my journey as a mother to many with absolutely no experience but I had no choice.

Do you not see me drowning in my own tears,God? I pray almost every night but my prayers seem not to be answered. I sometimes wish God could have taken me first before he left us abandoned in this harsh world as I cower to take my life with my own hands.

I have had the taste of motherhood at an early age and now it has become a natural part of me that everytime I have a rope in my hand thinking of taking my last swing on this earth,I think... What will they be? Would they survive without me? 💔

It scares me to think if I die,one of them will take my place and end up like me ,no dreams,no future , just pain and emptiness.

I am only alive because they are and that is no life. How does one find their lost selves?

Unique✍️🖤